Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
God has abandoned us.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password