COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.