I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?