ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
mumsnet is amazing
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.