It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
So the ex texted me
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
how to market bottled water to dads
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO