If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
You Might Also Like
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I was bored.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
can’t catch a break
Terribly Tuesday.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.