bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Jesus Christ lmao
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
synchronized noseblowing