Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.