Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
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her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill