When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
good for her
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe