Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.