WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.