Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it