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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”