Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.