wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I need this for my side hustle.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function