Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.