Okay, I’m still confused…
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!