Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.