me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.