I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
buying dead houseplants to save time
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!