*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
this is the greatest thing ever
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*