restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.