Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
You Might Also Like
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck