me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Meow
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
We’re all getting idioter.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what