[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he