Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Cake safety first. Always.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
🌱🌱🌱
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.