*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
You Might Also Like
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries