You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Happy Friday
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.