They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose