Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?