toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
yeet
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
kevin is now a local weatherman
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.