Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I need to get some bricks…
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.