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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.