-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My Guy
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.