Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You Might Also Like
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.