“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Where’s my employee discount too?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.