Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time