She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Don’t we all.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts