if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Its true…
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.