I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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Good morning!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.