NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
security at the airport getting more straightforward