Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.