they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
tinder is all about the long game
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer