The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
who wore it better?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Welcome
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.