I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
u spoke cat all this time??????
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.