I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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OH. COME. ON.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’d rather go liquor treating.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
i made a craigslist ad !
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment