I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess