God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
For those that worship cheese..
The sacred texts.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP