People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people